Friday The 13th (2009)

Before we begin, a word about that tagline - "Welcome to Crystal Lake" - how shit is that!? If you've seen the original, it's kind of scary, but if not, it makes zero sense, not to mention the fact that Crystal Lake, if nothing else is known about it besides the name, sounds so nice and picturesque. Sadly, the tagline isn't the worst thing about this clunky, confused, quite dreadful remake. I've mentioned before how Jason has failed to scare me in the past, and sadly that has not changed after viewing Michael Bay's trashy redo of the 80s classic (my opinion of which was probably made worse by the fact that I saw the original just last week). 

First off, this incredibly disjointed picture begins in the strangest of ways - with two prologues. The first looks like it was shot in the back lot of some shitty non-studio behind a KFC, and presents a poor imitation of the final struggle between Mrs. Voorhees, and the final girl, from the end of the original Friday the 13th - only with more rain, bad acting and no tension whatsoever. Oh, and this time around, kiddy Jason is watching from the bushes (I thought he lived in the lake!?). This whole episode, although interspersed with flashing titles ("Produced by Michael Bay" - aaaaaaah!! Oh god, make it stop!!!), does nothing to build tension or fear. It's simply boring and totally unnecessary. Anybody who has seen the original already knows what the deal is, while anybody who hasn't is just watching a Michael Bay movie to see tits and guts. After all, his other horror remakes, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and A Nightmare On Elm Street were both grossly superficial affairs, filled with unconvincing gore and unfathomably sexy teens. And neither of them were scary. I shuddered to think what he could do to Jason, whom I didn't really care about to begin with, when he had almost wrecked the incredible Freddy and Leatherface.

This moment is over so quickly, it doesn't even register

The second, longer prologue, details the demise of six college kids, who are on a search for weed near, you've guessed it, Camp Crystal Lake. They find it (apparently it belongs to Jason - huh?), but they all die soon afterwards. The deaths, all of which are at the hands of someone in a mummy mask, are quick, brutal and somewhat amusing (one girl is burned alive in her sleeping bag, which is suspended above a fire). A decrepit house is discovered, wherein it appears Jason himself may reside. There's a bloody bathtub, a dismembered head, all of the usual crap. And then another chase scene, somebody's caught in a beartrap, somebody screams - and then the title comes up, red and bloody and totally unexpected. Had the movie not already started!? It's very confusing. This prologue, while slightly better than the one before it, still serves very little purpose. There's some bullshit with a locket, which my faithful cohort mused would probably end up saving someone's life, but more on that later. There's one spectacular moment, when Jason is standing next to the campfire, and for one precious second I forgot what I was watching and started thinking about the music video for Psychosocial.

Anyway, then the story, if one could even call it that, really begins, with a whole new crowd of pretty, vapid teenagers. One of them is particuarly angry and mean, so I spent most of the film's loooong running time (108 mins to be exact) vying for his inevitable death. And there's Jared Padelecki, of Supernatural fame (surely he's too good for such a piece of shit?). He did the House Of Wax remake a few years back, which I actually rather liked, so I suppose he's in good company. Anyway, Jared is looking for his sister, who was one of the original group from the prologue (keep up, now). He hassles various redneck locals with flyers, along with the new group of teens, who aren't too impressed when he holds them up in a queue (who cares about your possibly dead sister, we want beer!). He's warned by one particularly crazy-eyed old lady that his sister is dead, because when people disappear around this area, they don't come back. She also warns him to leave HIM alone (guess who she means, har de har). 

 Seriously, is that his real head or...?

It's at this point that the film descends into pure cliche, with little in the way of plot or character development to move things along. Even the kills are dull; Jason stabs this dude in the head, then he sharpens his machete, then he walks around a bit, and dismembers somebody else and oh god when will it end!? The BOREDOM. I got so bored watching this movie that I began to notice stupid shit, like how big Jason's head is, how confusing it is to have the characters running back and forth from the same places, even with the sign emblazoned with the words "Camp Crystal Lake" above them (how far away are they, when they must drive one minute, but can walk the next!?), and how amazing one of the chick's tits are. It really is that slow-moving. In fact, there are big sections of it with no blood or tits at all. And then what are we left with? Something produced by Michael Bay? Now that's scary.

The problem with this reboot is that it does nothing new whatsoever with the story. Friday the 13th, and Jason himself, have been flogged to death at this stage, so updating the story for a modern audience was always going to be something of a challenge. But this really makes it seem like nobody involved with the film even tried. There's a pathetic sequence, after Jason disposes of some greasy redneck, when he discovers a hockey mask and swaps his mummy one for it. It's so cliched, it almost brought a tear to my eye. Aside from that, Michael Bay's cum-covered teenage boy fingerprints are all over this project - from the lingering body shots, to the clunky dialogue, to the tits and blood and beer pong. Clearly none of these teens have ever seen a horror movie. Forget the smart, savvy, quick-witted group of Scre4m, this lot are dumb as fuck. One makes fun of Jason, another thinks a wok will ward off any threats, one girl freaks out and cries on the floor, a couple refuse to stop having sex despite their friends screaming that they're all in danger, one guy grabs a gun but wastes lots of bullets shooting at nothing, and so forth. 

Hurry up guys...I can feel my career disintegrating around me...

Although Jason still fails to truly scare me, he kills quickly and effectively in this. His aim (he kills one person with a bow and arrow, and throws an axe several feet to dispose of another) is excellent, especially for somebody who has lived alone in an abandoned camp for most of his life. And he's an absolute tank, too, although not as much so as Rob Zombie's Michael Myers (swoon). After it becomes clear that he has kept Jared Padelecki's sister captive for an unspecified amount of time (possibly a month or so, she looks very clean either way) the film takes a turn towards the dark, Texas Chainsaw end of things. There is a system of underground tunnels, very sophisticated, especially since they seemingly were constructed by Jason, in which several creepy things occur - machete sharpening, bodies being carried about, lots of crying. I feared needless torture scenes, of which there were mercifully none. In fact, the only times true tension is built throughout this film is when Jared's sis is legging it through the impressive tunnels, in which she has been held prisoner, trying to make her escape. But, of course, nothing of note really happens. 

Other than that, the film passes by without incident. None of the characters, besides Jared Padelecki (I'm really not sure if his character had a name...Jim?), are in any way likeable, but because the kills, and Jason himself, are so mind-numbingly boring and run of the mill, it's difficult to even revel in their deaths. The score, which belongs in an action movie, doesn't help, while the weird bluey-green colour present throughout, despite what time of day or night it is, makes it almost impossible to follow what's happening on screen. 

 

This is a teaser for what she gets up to later (I'm not complaining)

The real problem here is that slasher movies have been so degraded over the years that, for example, the original scares in Friday the 13th, which were so effective in 1980, are seen to be boring and outdated by today's standards. Everything must be nastier, bloodies, loudier, dumber. But, as somebody who watched the original just last week, and the remake all of three days ago can attest, the older slashers, despite the clothing of the teens, the lack of technology (nobody can get a signal in a horror movie these days anyway, so wash) and the strange settings, are more effective because there's no bullshit. Michael Myers just kills. There's nothing behind it. And nobody can bargain with him, especially not after robbing his locket.

The characters in horror movies, especially slashers, are usually one-dimensional - that's a given. But when they are so vapid and empty, it's difficult to root either for them or against them. When one feels nothing towards any of the people on screen, what's the point in watching? I wasn't even particularly invested in Jason's character. He's carrying a body around at one point, while Jared and the-one-who-was-almost-the-final-girl freak out as quietly as possible, which in reality would be terrifying, and when he turned on the camp floodlights I should've been shaking, but I was simply reminded of the original, and saddened by how little this revamp was getting to me. Why aren't modern horror movies scary? I have yet to be properly scared by anything new, in years. Rob Zombie's Halloween was fairly atmospheric and creepy, but still not properly scary. 

 This looks scary, but really isn't

I don't mean to sound elitist. I love lots of shit movies. Queen Of The Damned is one of my absolute favourites, and the soundtrack is probably my favourite of all time. It's not a good film, it's incredibly silly, makes practically no sense and is little more than a sexy, gothic, metalhead fantasy. But I love it. There are a lot of great B-movies too, like Megashark vs Giant Octopus. Last year's Piranha 3D was a fantastic, fun film, which contained moments of real, honest, fear and proper gore, not to mention loads of nudity. I don't need my horror films to be clever or pretty, I just need them to be somewhat honest, and, obviously, a little bit scary. If all else fails, some tits and gore will do just fine. But it all has to fit in with the world of the story, and the characters have to be somewhat believable and real. 

For a moment, let's compare it to the other horror remake I saw recently, Rob Zombie's Halloween. Scout Taylor Compton (be still my beating heart) did a very shrill, emo Laurie Strode, but at least I was scared for her when she was being chased about the place. Her friends, not so much, but they were just dumb and annoying enough for me to enjoy their bloody, violent deaths. Friday the 13th lacks any real punch or soul or scare...I screamed a grand total of 9 times, which may seem like a lot, but really isn't, considering it was because of jump scares every single time. Oh, and the girl with the locket does survive (spoiler alert!). Seriously though, don't see this. See the far superior, mildly scary and totally thrilling, All The Boys Love Mandy Lane, which I will soon probably gush over.. 

Next time - Fright Night double post. Hooray!