But first, a little background. Three years ago, I was living in the beautiful city of Munich, sharing a fairly large apartment with five mental lads, from all around the world. My room was next to the kitchen/living area, and the rest were down an all-white hallway, where the two toilets and two showers were also situated. With all the doors closed, it looked eerily endless. The kitchen had one wall that was all-glass, and it led onto the balcony. One of my flatmates knocked on the window once, in the middle of the night, while I was in the kitchen making toast, and scared the absolute shit out of me. But, what scared me more, enough to make me lock myself in my room all night and refuse to even go down that long, white hallway, to the toilet, was the below trailer.
After I watched that, I didn't sleep for about two nights straight. I looked behind me constantly and jumped at even the slightest noise. I swore to myself that I would never, ever force myself to sit through the full thing because, if the trailer scared me that much, who knew what the actual movie would do to me!? Now, three years later, I have confronted my fear and lived to tell the tale. And slept afterwards, too, which let's face it is a bad sign when it comes to horror movies.
Oh, you...
So! H2 opens up where RZH left off. Well, actually, there's an opening bit with child Myers (played by a new kid, who cannot act and is not scary, especially compared to the one from RZH) and his mother (Sheri Moon Zombie, overacting hugely this time around), during which it is established that not only does Myers hallucinate about his mother and a white horse, but he also has something of an Oedipal complex. I was confused, but held out hope. They must be just luring me into a fall sense of security, I reasoned.
After all, everything I'd read up to this point claimed that the first fifteen minutes of H2 are the scariest (not a good recommendation, come to think of it). The section to which I'm referring involves Laurie (my new obsession, Scout Taylor Compton) being chased around hospital by Michael Myers, despite the fact that she'd shot him in the face just hours before. She's seriously injured, she slips, it's lashing rain, you know the drill. This bit establishes the new, stab-happy Myers, who stabs each of his victims in this movie at least ten times (a far cry from the Carpenter's Myers). I wondered if his arm got tired and, needless to say, I wasn't scared by this opening. The reveal to it being a dream was lame, and the trailer gave it away anyway.
Basically, it's a year after the whole crazy incident with Myers on Halloween night, and Laurie is now living with her mate Annie (who just barely survived the first movie) and Annie's dad, who luckily enough happens to be the local sheriff. Laurie is not doing well. She's having horrible nightmares, wears no make-up, has dyed her hair blonde, but neglected to wash or brush it, curses like a sailor, gives everybody grief, and dresses like a 90s grunge kid. Strange that she's so messed up, but still found time to dye her hair and get several tattoos (maybe Zombie just appreciated Compton's art and decided not to hide it this time around, who knows, but it was distracting). She still looks hot, though. Even while scowling.
Drool...
She's also in therapy, but spends most of her time there shouting and spitting abuse at her therapist ("At $100 an hour, I'd be fucking concerned!" being one of her more memorable outbursts). And she has a job, in some crazy hipster bookshop. Oh look, there are her two annoying friends. I wonder if they'll survive...hmm...
While all of this is going on, a massive hobo, greatly resembling Michael Myers, is trekking through the fields and green pastures of Illinois. He runs into several local rednecks (seriously Zombie, what the hell) and disposes of them with fierce, sometimes genius, ferocity. At one point, he eats a dog (first time Michael Myers has ever eaten something in a Halloween movie, kids). At another, he visits the strip club where his mother worked. He sees her and her white horse quite a lot throughout the film, and she dispenses some pretty interesting information, such as "Only a river of blood can bring us back together". Laurie sees her too, along with the Myers child. Some of the setpieces for these hallucinations are cool, especially a gorgeously gothic one at a big dining table, but most of the time it's just silly. We already know Michael Myers is a loon, he doesn't have to hallucinate to hammer the point home (subtlety, Mr. Zombie). Tyler Mane is a great screen presence once again, but even he looks slightly confused when he just has to stand there while child Myers and his mother chat amongst themselves.
He has a bag!?
Elsewhere in Haddonfield, Loomis is now a complete asshole, profitting off the events of the previous year and not caring about the people who were hurt. He's on a book tour, he wears awesome shades and he hurls abuse at his assistant. Although this change of personality makes little sense, the book tour and Loomis's story arc highlight the human sickness that exists, especially in today's society. Everybody wants to know every little detail of a murder rampage, or the inner workings of the mind of a serial killer. Everything is recorded and put online. We're all desensitised to violence and gore just makes us yawn, even in real life. The comparison between a mental horror fan, dying for Loomis to sign his book, and the grieving father who attempts to kill him for profitting off his daughter's death, is an interesting comment on this. Loomis also outs Laurie as Michael's sister, Angel (silly name), which was a total dick move and really unnecessary to the plot. But it facilitated another Laurie freakout. Wahey!
These freakouts happen quite a lot over the course of the film. She freaks and yells at Annie, in particular, who is also psychologically damaged, although she fails to show it whatsoever, and mostly just looks annoyed. After the "big reveal" (which isn't big at all really), Laurie fucks off to her new hipster friends, demands drinks, and the three of them put on AWESOME Rocky Horror costumes (Laurie is Magenta, her friend Columbia, and the really mouthy one is Frank) and head out to a party that is way bigger and more elaborate than their little town could ever hold. I'm a total Rocky Horror nerd, so I loved the outifits, but the fact they couldn't mention the movie by name was slightly jarring. Speaking of jarring, the aforementioned party is loud, annoying, and populated by idiots, right down to a weird non-comedian horror bloke with fake teeth who, according to Rob Zombie's Facebook, now has his own movie. Five minutes of him was enough for me. Also, who threw this party? And what the hell year is it supposed to be? And how did Myers know Laurie was there?
Great costume, shame about the bloody corpse
The final act of H2 involves much screaming, blood and running. The kills throughout the movie are grisly, slightly over-the-top at times (his arm really must be getting sore by this stage), gory and not quite inventive enough, but otherwise effective. Strangely, the most high-profile death, Annie's, happens offscreen. Or, her attack does, and then she dies in Laurie's arms. I found it strange, but the moment was poignant, so I guess it worked. Then Laurie gets away. Then she gets caught again, and taken to a barn, where the final stakeout, and possibly the lamest climax I've ever witnessed in horror, takes place. Another white horse!? Come on!
I watched the DVD ending, which in my opinion, pales in comparison to the real, theatrical ending. Michael isn't supposed to talk! Or remove his mask before killing someone! Is Laurie dead? (Probably not, seeing as Halloween 3D is due pretty soon...not directed by RZ). Virtually nothing happens in this bit, and at one point Myers is just standing there, staring at Laurie. Is he waiting for his cue to stab her or..?
She baked him a cake, you know
Don't get me wrong, there are things to like about H2. There's a nice juxtaposition between Laurie partying the night away while her friend is choked to death, which shows how easy it is to detach oneself from the real tragedy and hardships of life, Annie's death is fairly poignant, again showing same, the comments on society's addiction to knowing the little details of horrible events is notable, Laurie being totally fucked in the head is believable and, while slightly hysterical, Compton gets it very well, the kills are visceral and at times very clever ("Someone will be impaled on those antlers!" my cohort noted at one point, and he was right) and the body count is high, while Tyler Mane's Michael Myers is still a force with which to be reckoned (at one point, he lifts a car!) and a genuinely frightening screen presence.
However, as with RZH Rob Zombie has once again gone way over the top, sacrificing scares for gore - except this time it's even worse. There is no sense of dread. It's confusing, as opposed to scary. The story trudges along with no real linear structure, pretty much every character on screen is horrible and unlikeable so, once again, I found myself rooting for Myers to stab the shit out of them, and the hallucinations are incredibly off-putting. Why wasn't Myers' Oedpial complex established in the first film? Why is he only now starting to see his mother? Why is everything SO LOUD!?
If only this scene was in the movie
Although not completely and utterly shit, H2 doesn't pack any real punches. RZH wasn't perfect, and was by all means an unnecessary remake, but it was, at its basest level, entertaining. The above trailer for H2 is far more frightening, and enjoyable, than the film itself, and that's saying something.
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