The Human...Millipede?

As regular readers (all two of you) will be aware, I have a very strong stomach when it comes to horror. However, if there's one thing I absolutely despise, it's prolonged torture, unnecessary, overly graphic gore - basically, most shit that defines the genre of "torture porn". And, although I can stomach most of what other "normal" people cannot, if there's one film that makes my skin crawl (no pun intended), it's The Human Centipede. 

For those lucky enough to have not heard of this film, it centres around a mad German (of course) doctor, who disfigures three people and sews them all together to make, well, a human centipede. And then they shit in each other's mouths. Hooray. 

Now, when I was finishing my final year of journalism and German in college, I was working on a radio project in a dark, windowless computer lab late one night. One of the guys from my class, who was also working late, told me to check out a trailer for the aforementioned film and I, thinking it was some sort of amazing B-movie, watched it. 

I have yet to force myself to watch the film in its entirety.  

It's not because I'm scared. The thought of the centipede doesn't scare me, it just grosses me out. And I like to eat junk food during horror movies (or indeed, any movies), so watching something that makes my stomach turn doesn't really seem like a good idea. Okay, okay, maybe I'm making excuses. If my 15-year-old sister can sit through it, I sure as fuck can. But I probably still won't.

Anyway, the point of all this, is that the trailer for the second film, imaginatively titled, The Human Centipede 2 (despite the fact it clearly revolves around the creation of a human millipede) just came out this week. And, to speak frankly, it's pure crap. Let's get one thing straight - I adore horror villains. They can be terrifying, sympathetic and hilarious - all at the same time, if the writing is really great. The villain from TC2 seems slightly - how do I put this delicately - mentally handicapped. He's overweight, dead-eyed, and appears to be quite slow. I realise that seeing him watching a millipede with glee is supposed to make me shit my pants, but it doesn't. It just seems kind of...sad. So tell me, Tom Six, how the fuck is that terrifying? And no, putting "madman" before you show him does not make the character scary.


It's worth noting that TC2 has already been banned by the BBFC for showing sexual pleasure being derived from sexual violence. In one instance, the "villain" (inverted commas, because he looks slightly pathetic) masturbates using sandpaper. In another, he rapes the chick at the back of the "millipede" with barbed wire wrapped around his penis. Whether that's enough to ban a film is beyond me. I personally don't think a film should ever be banned, but sexual violence is a serious concern. Anyway, here's the trailer. It looks as if most of it takes place in a carpark, but anyway, enjoy!